Paingst(pain+angst)

I thought I would never do this here, but, here goes:
When the pain is a constant, all-consuming thing what can be done? Wish for the end of it ALL is what I find myself doing more and more. The end, for me, would mean the sweet, silent embrace of nothingness. I hope there is an end and not a new beginning. The thought of living through pain all over again is beyond horrible. Nightmares are far more comforting than the thought of reliving a life that includes such immeasurable pain. All the pain killers given by the pill pushing doctors do nothing to stop all this pain. Two doctors and two specialists cannot find out, or decide, what is wrong with me. Gout, arthritis, some sort of bone trauma, and even having a doctor tell me that it might have something to do with the fact that I stopped doing flooring and being as active, they have tried to tell me, might be causes. BAH! Idiots one and all. I do understand to some extent how my problems have exasperated them. I have had much more time to study my case and research possible reasons and keep coming up empty. But damnit! They went to college for this sort of shit. I only have the internet.

Walking is a pain all to itself and stairs are the the literal translation of the nine stages of hell, except for the fact that our house house has twelve steps and a landing. I guess it is more like thirteen stages of hell in my case. I put on a brave face for those around me but the suffering that I experience just by merely being alive is beyond anything that I could describe. The fact that no doctor has been able to properly diagnose the problem only leaves me feeling that I shouldn’t complain so much in fears that I will not be believed that there is something truly wrong. Even though I know that those closest to me know better, I mostly just "buck up" and carry on as best I can without alerting them to how bad things are getting, or have gotten.
Do I drink more, and more often, to get some small reprieve from the pain? Odd thing about that: drinking to excess does indeed relieve the pain but it leaves me tossing and turning in a sleepless state of anger. Sleeping pills have about the same effect.
Marijuana? Still struggling with this thought. I am not a good "stoner". I get stupid and become virtually non-functioning for the duration of the high and, unfortunately, the entire next day. I can imagine (from prior experiences of getting high) that, indeed I would gain some measure of relief from the pain by taking this route. However, I am not sure that I want to live that way. I have enjoyed, more often than not, getting high in the past but the thought of the "day after" experiences are not something that I look forward to in any way. I have gotten high in the past only to be high at that time, not for long into the next.
I am at a loss. So tired. Emotionally, mentally and physically I am so tired.
I had the thought last week that I could do enough aspects of my former job as a flooring installer to be useful. Boy did that change fast once I went to the store. I walked around for an hour or slightly less and was in so much pain that night and the next day that any hope of returning to that line of work were completely dashed.
Even though this current situation is not my fault or doing, I have begun to feel like an utter failure. "Oh, why don’t you do this for a job?" type suggestions may sound like good ideas but, mostly all I can see are problems with any type of work in a structured setting. For the most part I cannot do any one thing for very long. I cannot stand for extended periods. Nor can I sit. At the very least not for very long. No position: sitting, standing, or laying down; is any better than another.
I am lost.
And, I guess, this pointless rant is done.